Chastity Bites (2013)

Chastity Bites (2013) A delightful parody of vampire genre films with a feminist twist!

Director: John V. Knowles

Writer: Lotti Pharriss Knowles

Starring: Allison Scagliotti, Francia Raisa, Louise Griffiths

So I knew nothing about this movie going in. It was on TV and I had time to kill. I recognized the starring actress, the ever snarky Allison Scagliotti from the SyFy’s “Warehouse 13.” Her character, Leah, is a ball-busting student journalist who suspects the new abstinence program at her high school keeps all the girls virgins so to feed vampires.

“Chastity Bites” is silly old fun. Yes, there’s gore and the expected dead, slutty teenager tropes. What makes this movie stand out is how they balanced out this trope with satire and a refreshing feminist edge. The horror wasn’t scary per se, but nor did it try to be. The one-liners from Leah kept me laughing and I was impressed with the lesbian supporting character. She wasn’t just thrown there to titillate a (mostly male) audience with girl-on-girl action. Actually, if you’re looking for gratuitous girl-on-girl action, or hell, sex for (mostly male) consumption, you won’t find it here. Refreshing! I don’t mind sex in horror movies but it is so often one-sided.

This movie doesn’t punish the teenagers who have sex. Getting laid actually saves Leah’s life!

I recommend this movie for anyone who makes fun of sparkly vampire movies. It was campy but enjoyable all the way through. Might have to give this one a “B”.

“Blood Curdling” Isn’t Just a Cliché Anymore

I’ll watch horror if I want to!

So…I was cruising around the interwebs when I found this article about how horror movies can be bad for your health. Yet another thing that I love that can be bad for me…is there anything out there that is fun anymore?

According to The Science Times, people who watch horror movies can have an increase in a blood clotting protein called Factor VIII. Basically, scientists took blood from their test subjects before showing them movies. They were also asked a series of questions like gauging their fears on a scale from 0 to 10. One group watched a documentary while the other watched Insidious. Afterwards, the scientists took another sample of blood and found an increase in Factor VIII with the horror group. However, this increase won’t do anything to damage your health.

Personally, I would have chosen The Conjuring as the movie to show the horror group. Or maybe Earthlings. Granted Earthlings isn’t a horror movie but it’s super graphic.

So……FUCK YOU, SCIENCE! I can still watch as much horror movies as I want!!

“The Babadook” A Mother’s Guide to Insanity

Written/Directed: Jennifer Kent

Starring: Essie Davis, Noah Wiseman, Hayley McElhinney, Daniel Henshall, Barbara West

Holy Fuck this movie freaked me out!

Long story short: Amelia(Essie Davis) is a single mother who is at her wits end with her son, Samuel(Noah Wiseman). He sees monsters everywhere and his behavior gets worse when they discover a book called The Babadook. Samuel believes that the Babadook is real but Amelia doesn’t. So what happens with all the things in the book start to happen for real? Is she crazy or is the Babadook genuinely terrorizing her?

I’ll say it again…Holy Fuck this movie freaked me out! I love when a movie focuses more on the suspense and no visual of the big bad wolf. It really made you question whether the Babadook was real or if Amelia was having a mental breakdown. Throughout the movie you see this poor woman trying balance her miserable existence with a job she hates, a child she can’t control, a sister who a snobbish jerk, and the loss of her husband. Granted, her husband died seven years prior to this but I guess people grieve differently.

Anyway, her descent into madness is really hard to watch. I mean she gets really short with her son, she starts having hallucinations of cockroaches everywhere, the freaking book keeps popping up even after she destroys it, she crashes her car, kills her dog, etc. Shit just keeps happening to this poor woman. I couldn’t help but think that this situation kind of fits the criteria for demonic possession. There are three steps, you know. Infestation, Oppression, and Possession. But I’m rambling…..

Really in the end it felt like a mix between The Exorcist, Poltergeist, and a hint of The Conjuring! It was creepy and fun to watch!

That ending, though…I guess you’ll just have to watch so you’ll see what I mean…

I give it an A+