Sharktopus Vs. Whalewolf Live Tweet

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Which shark-themed SyFy movie is your favorite? There’s Sharknado 1, 2, and 3, Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda and Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus…are there any more?

I’m live-tweeting my reaction (@DWCHorror) to Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf at 2pm central time. Feel free to join in and laugh along. I’m rooting for #TeamWhalewolf. #TeamSharktopus is going down.

Full movie streamed HERE.

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Mamula or Killer Mermaid or Nymph or…whatever

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This Serbian movie has like 10 different names. Regardless what it calls itself, though, it still sucks.

Killer Mermaid (2014) is a misnomer. The mermaid doesn’t kill anybody but just eats  human chum her boyfriend catches and feeds to her.

 

Director: Milan Todorovic

Writers: Barry Keating, Marko Backovic

Starring: Kristina Klebe, Franco Nero, Natalie Burn, Dragan Micanovic

Add another campy b-movie to your Netflix watchlist if you want. Killer Mermaid (2014) has gloriously bad acting, accents so thick you need the killer’s hatchet to cut through it, and of course, bikini-clad girls who scream lustily in terror for 94min. It’s a summer horror flick about two American girls on vacation who find themselves marooned on a prison island with their boyfriends. What separates this basic plot device from other terrible b-movies? There’s a killer mermaid! Sort of…

No, actually, the “killer” is actually the mermaid’s boyfriend…sort of. See, the mermaid has mind control powers and she drives all the men on the island to kill for her. Supposedly she eats the men and human bait they bring along with them, but we don’t actually see her off anyone on screen. There’s a convoluted explanation about the island, Mamula, and its WWII past but…yeaaaaahhhh I lost interest after the first half of the movie. But there are bikinis! And running! And tunnels! And much running through these tunnels! So much running…

I don’t think the director tried, honestly. But I will give them this, the set is amazing! What a beautiful place Serbia is. If I can take anything positive from this movie, it’s that I want to visit the Mediterranean sea. If you’re terribly bored and want to hear Serbian and Italian actors play unconvincing Americans, go ahead and watch this.

Giving this one a D. 

Unintentionally creepy book/album covers

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Sometimes I find weird shit in cyberspace and drag it into the light to amuse an audience. I don’t know if this will be a recurring theme, but anyway, enjoy this week’s selection.

1. Music To Massage Your Mate By (Click here to hear the song)

This 70s LP includes an explicit, photographed “instruction manual” for the budding serial killer and rapist in you! Strange, off-kilter music combined with grainy black-and-white photographs are sure to put you and your victim in the mood.

2. Feelings And How To Destroy Them

This Little Golden Book apparently alphabetizes emotions and teaches kids how to obliterate what makes them human. I haven’t found much information about this book (author, date of publication, etc.) but if you know please enlighten us.

3. Diamonds and Chills (Click here to hear the song)

This LP 80s cover features country singer Margo Smith. However you wouldn't guess this was a catchy, cheery song by looking at her apparent strangulation

This LP 80s cover features country singer Margo Smith. However you wouldn’t guess this was a catchy, cheery song by looking at her apparent strangulation

4. Pet Goats And Pap Smears 

This is an actual book with its actual cover. The author Pamela Wible writes: "Many people have commented (both positive and negative) on the cover. Unlike advertisements that objectify women or dominate animals, this book cover celebrates and honors both women and animals. "

This is an actual book with its actual cover. The author Pamela Wible writes: “Many people have commented (both positive and negative) on the cover. Unlike advertisements that objectify women or dominate animals, this book cover celebrates and honors both women and animals. “

5. Do You Know Jesus? 

Randy, the dummy, will be more than happy to explain who Jesus is for you if you buy his Auntie and Uncle's album.

Randy, the dummy, will be more than happy to explain who Jesus is for you if you buy his Auntie and Uncle’s album.

Happy Friday the 13th!

Human Centipede 1, 2, & 3…overkill, much?

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Human Centipede (2009) and Human Centipede 2 (2011)

Director: Tom Six 

Everyone has heard of the Human Centipede franchise by now, right? The third and final Human Centipede movie is expected to come out this year in 2015 and I don’t know WHY. What more story can there possibly be after the first two movies? If you haven’t watched any of the Human Centipede films (which you totally should if you’re in the UK or Australia where it was banned) I hope you’ve at least seen the South Park sketch, right? Right? 

I’m not gonna bore you with a long synopsis. There isn’t much to these movies that can’t be gleaned in the first 15 seconds of viewing the trailers. Madman kidnaps victims, sews victims together ass-to-mouth, something about centipedes, yadda yadda, everybody dies. Should you watch it? Maybe. If only because it was banned internationally for its “obscenity.”

The ass-to-mouth chain gang concept is kind of hilarious on its own, and if the movies didn’t try too hard to be scary and just rolled with its obvious pulp appeal, this franchise could’ve been saved. However both movies fail to impress, which is hella awkward because too many of us are laughing at childish poop jokes to take what little horror there is seriously.

I think I’ll pass on Human Centipede 3, thank you. 5/10 stars for both films.

Faust: So Stupid It Hurts (to laugh)

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Have you ever seen a movie so stupid, so terrible, so what-the-fuck-was-the-director-thinking, that it became good? Not just good, but insanely entertaining and (dare I say) awesome? Well, that was my experience when watching “Faust: Love of the Damned” (2000)

I really don’t want to tell you what this movie is about. A summary would  just take all the fun out of it. I will say this: It is bizarro. Seizure-inducing bizarro. And smut. And gore. And awesomeness. But I already wrote that…

“Faust” is a Spanish horror film directed by Brian Yuzna. It stars Mark Frost, Andrew Divoff, Monica Van Campen, and Isabel Brook. I think the story is based off of a comic book of the same name. Despite the cheesy costumes, the movie has a definitive “noir-graphic-novel” feel. It’s satanical and hilarious. The main character delivers lines like: “I’m the pornography that gets you hot!” and “Not enough blood?” with a grin while he frolics around in a tight, red, rubber suit. It’s not supposed to scare you.

The inflation scene. It will either make your snort with laughter or vomit. Or both. (Definitely both!)

Don’t watch this movie if you’re offended by tits and ass and or poor costume-design. Don’t watch this movie if you’re expecting great acting. I mean this movie has like 4 out of 10 stars on IMBD. Everyone universally agrees it’s bad. But hey, critics are a humorless bunch and none of that should stop you from watching “Faust” at least once!

I loved this movie. Yes, it’s stupid. Yes, it’s terrible. But if it were anything less than a hot mess, I wouldn’t have laughed so fucking hard. I’m giving it sticky, wet  A+!!!  Adding this train wreck into my collection.

Not So “Smiley”

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Director: Michael J. Gallagher

Starring: Caitlin Gerard, Melanie Papalia, Shane Dawson

Warning: Contains Spoilers

Oh God…this movie is just….it’s just….horrible!!! You see guys I’m going to save you from this disaster of a horror film and hopefully you never come across it ever!

So this sorry excuse for a horror film is about Ashley(Caitlin Gerard) who is the stereotypical pure-as-a-snowflake daddy’s girl going to college. While hanging out with her roommate Proxy(Melanie Papalia), she learns about a new Urban Legend called Smiley. You get on this website and video chat with random strangers. If you type “i did it for the lulz” three times in the IM box, Smiley is supposed to appear out of nowhere and kill the person you’re chatting with. Ashley’s fears of Smiliey continue to grow as she takes a creepy philosophy class. So is Smiley real or is it some elaborate prank that the cool kids are pulling on the naive virgin?

Geez, where do I start. How about the characters? Everywhere I looked there was some stereotype being portrayed. You have Proxy, the goth chick who constantly likes to poke fun at Ashley’s goody-goody personality. Then there’s Ashley…I’ll just come out and say I didn’t believe in her character at all. There’s no way that a sheltered daddy’s girl is that stupid. I’m a sheltered daddy’s girl and I understand slang. Throughout the movie she’s running around like a crazy person, “OMG OMG! Smiley is coming to kill me!” I don’t think it helped that she was blonde because that added to the “dumb blonde” routine.  Then there’s Binder, the dorky kid no one likes and believes in the Smiley legend. And lastly there’s Zane, the cool kid/hacker who is the party animal. Did you care what happened to these character throughout the film? NO!

Now for the lack of plot. Basically it’s about driving Ashley insane that she jumps out a window and kills herself. No joke it was all an elaborate prank with Binder as the criminal mastermind to make her think that Smiley was real. Then the group of Binder’s lackey dress like Smiley and chase her around the house until she throws herself out the second story window and dies. Why did they do it? They did it for the lulz. Binder is possibly some cult leader because nobody felt bad that they drove someone to their death…that’s at least manslaughter. In the end, no so surprisingly, Zane gets on the computer with Proxy on the other end on Skype and types “i did it for the lulz” three times as a joke. Well, the real Smiley comes out and kills Proxy. Leaving us to believe that the whole time, Smiley was real.

I got really angry watching this movie. I couldn’t stop yelling at Ashley’s stupidity. I guess she didn’t realize that now that she’s in college she doesn’t have to worry about the whole “finding a clique” thing. Trust me, in college nobody gives a flying fuck who you were in high school. They have their own problems.

It was just a bad movie. Don’t watch it. You’ll be pulling your hair out just like I was.

SAVE YOURSELF AND DON’T WATCH!!!!

Trailer: