Mr. Bucket has never been more terrifying…

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Do you remember Mr. Bucket? The lovable children’s toy from the 80s and 90s? I do. And it scared the shit out of then and still does now. Why does he want to suck on my balls? Why is this perverted toy for kids?

Mr. Bucket just wants to suck on your balls, kids.

My husband is a fan of The Angry Video Game Nerd (or Cinemassacre) on youtube and has been binge-watching James’ stuff for the past two months. I heard him cackling on the sofa and then he showed me the Mr. Bucket vid. If you aren’t familiar with Angry Video Game Nerd or Cinemassacre’s, you should definitely check out more of his videos. They’re all as hilarious as this Mr. Bucket skit. And don’t doubt for one second that youtubers aren’t “real” filmmakers. They work just as hard (if not harder) than the bigger names in the indie film circuit.

http://cinemassacre.com/

Or catch more on Twitter: @CineMassacre or @Mike_Matei

God bless Youtubers.

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Death Ray Potato Bake

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Death Ray Potato Bake by Teresa Hawk (image source: https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1408548104l/23002800.jpg)

I only know (knew?) Teresa Hawk from Twitter. She used to tweet all the time but I haven’t seen her around in months. I would provide her handle but her account is no longer active. For shame. Her tweets were hilarious. Anyway.

I happened to receive “Death Ray Potato Bake” for free on Amazon Kindle months ago but forgot about the thing until I saw it in my library today. It was St. Patrick’s Day–Irish people and potatoes are stereotyped together, so what the hell, I thought. Might as well be festive. And I read it.

So many authors try (and miss the mark) to be both funny and suspenseful, but Teresa Hark succeeds on both counts. What an entertaining read! Who doesn’t fantasize about killing their mother? With a potato?

Bizarre, smartly-written, and creative. I would recommend this little short for people who take a dash of dark comedy with their horror. Her writing style is dry, mocking, and effortlessly funny without calling attention to itself. I smiled the whole way through. Solid five stars. I know Teresa Hawk has written other short stories and so I will be definitely read more as soon as I am able.

Check out her books Goodreads.

Happy reading!

Unintentionally creepy book/album covers

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Sometimes I find weird shit in cyberspace and drag it into the light to amuse an audience. I don’t know if this will be a recurring theme, but anyway, enjoy this week’s selection.

1. Music To Massage Your Mate By (Click here to hear the song)

This 70s LP includes an explicit, photographed “instruction manual” for the budding serial killer and rapist in you! Strange, off-kilter music combined with grainy black-and-white photographs are sure to put you and your victim in the mood.

2. Feelings And How To Destroy Them

This Little Golden Book apparently alphabetizes emotions and teaches kids how to obliterate what makes them human. I haven’t found much information about this book (author, date of publication, etc.) but if you know please enlighten us.

3. Diamonds and Chills (Click here to hear the song)

This LP 80s cover features country singer Margo Smith. However you wouldn't guess this was a catchy, cheery song by looking at her apparent strangulation

This LP 80s cover features country singer Margo Smith. However you wouldn’t guess this was a catchy, cheery song by looking at her apparent strangulation

4. Pet Goats And Pap Smears 

This is an actual book with its actual cover. The author Pamela Wible writes: "Many people have commented (both positive and negative) on the cover. Unlike advertisements that objectify women or dominate animals, this book cover celebrates and honors both women and animals. "

This is an actual book with its actual cover. The author Pamela Wible writes: “Many people have commented (both positive and negative) on the cover. Unlike advertisements that objectify women or dominate animals, this book cover celebrates and honors both women and animals. “

5. Do You Know Jesus? 

Randy, the dummy, will be more than happy to explain who Jesus is for you if you buy his Auntie and Uncle's album.

Randy, the dummy, will be more than happy to explain who Jesus is for you if you buy his Auntie and Uncle’s album.

Happy Friday the 13th!

Vampire Blood Incense

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Made by Devils Garden. Certified Undead, you guys. www.vampirebloodincense.com

Made by Devils Garden. Certified Undead, you guys. http://www.vampirebloodincense.com

So the boyfriend and I found this premium vampire extract whilst perusing through our local head shop. He laughed. I giggled. (The meth-head cashier rolled her eyes.) Then we took it home and lit up.

VampireBlood1

I’ve never inhaled vampire blood before, so this was a very exciting experience. The fragrance is deep, complex, and earthy. It is pleasantly floral without being too perfumey and smells like old lace, sex, and damp cemeteries.

When burned, the incense releases a thin, steady stream of smoke. It slowly scents the whole room without burning your eyes like some other incenses. Vampire Incense may look like a novelty item, but it really does have a nice smell. It’s subtle and calming. One of my favorite new incenses, too. And it’s certified undead. You can’t beat that!

VampireBlood2

Faust: So Stupid It Hurts (to laugh)

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Have you ever seen a movie so stupid, so terrible, so what-the-fuck-was-the-director-thinking, that it became good? Not just good, but insanely entertaining and (dare I say) awesome? Well, that was my experience when watching “Faust: Love of the Damned” (2000)

I really don’t want to tell you what this movie is about. A summary would  just take all the fun out of it. I will say this: It is bizarro. Seizure-inducing bizarro. And smut. And gore. And awesomeness. But I already wrote that…

“Faust” is a Spanish horror film directed by Brian Yuzna. It stars Mark Frost, Andrew Divoff, Monica Van Campen, and Isabel Brook. I think the story is based off of a comic book of the same name. Despite the cheesy costumes, the movie has a definitive “noir-graphic-novel” feel. It’s satanical and hilarious. The main character delivers lines like: “I’m the pornography that gets you hot!” and “Not enough blood?” with a grin while he frolics around in a tight, red, rubber suit. It’s not supposed to scare you.

The inflation scene. It will either make your snort with laughter or vomit. Or both. (Definitely both!)

Don’t watch this movie if you’re offended by tits and ass and or poor costume-design. Don’t watch this movie if you’re expecting great acting. I mean this movie has like 4 out of 10 stars on IMBD. Everyone universally agrees it’s bad. But hey, critics are a humorless bunch and none of that should stop you from watching “Faust” at least once!

I loved this movie. Yes, it’s stupid. Yes, it’s terrible. But if it were anything less than a hot mess, I wouldn’t have laughed so fucking hard. I’m giving it sticky, wet  A+!!!  Adding this train wreck into my collection.